there is nothing here for me. yeah, it’s nice to see my old friends. but that’s really the only plus. there is nothing to do. no one is really excited for me to be here, i don’t think. and that boy from last summer i just know wants nothing to do with me anymore. he just wants to fuck random sluts, which like whatever that’s cool. feels kinda shitty, that’s all. i just miss all of the opportunity there was at school. like every weekend i could meet someone new. i don’t have that here. and yeah, it’s only for the summer. but three months is a while to feel this way.
why does everyone i hook up with hook up with other people who they like better. cool.
i did the whole single and loving it thing. and i did love it. i had the best time hooking up with a bunch of guys and having it mean nothing. but that gets so old. you start to feel like shit after a while knowing that none of these guys actually care about you. i want someone to love me. i want someone to miss me, to want to spend every second with me, to text me goodnight and good morning. i want someone to be okay with me not wanting to have sex with them the first time we hook up, not be annoyed. i want a guy who respects me. and this is the worst time to want that because i’m about to leave school and go home for three months. how perfect.
today in class we were in groups and supposed to be talking about spirituality and i’m just not that into all that stuff and didn’t feel like talking and this girl was like say something! you’ve barely said a word this whole time! and i was just like um…and this boy was like not everyone wants to talk, some people just wanna chill. and i almost cried it was so nice. i thanked him with my eyes. i hope he knows how much i appreciated that. it’s one of those things that i feel like no one would understand, though, you know? like if i told someone about it, it wouldn’t mean anything to them. just to me.
i don’t have that one person who i can tell anything to, who i know won’t judge me or be annoyed by me. i don’t have that girl who i can hold hands with or cuddle with and it’s just normal. i don’t have the person who i can call up to go shopping or out to eat and she’s down any time. i don’t have anyone to cry to.
no one cares what i think, or cares how i feel. no one asks me to go to dinner or to go to the library to do homework. no one even asks how i am or if anything’s wrong. it just doesn’t matter to anyone anymore.
i have no idea what i want. i’m just really enjoying being single right now. random make outs, texting with older guys. it’s fun. but i thought i wanted something meaningful and now i don’t know. i don’t want to miss out on this because i’m only young once, you know? but then i get scared to actually go out on a date with one of these guys. ugh, i’m so fucking lame.
